Struggling With Alcohol & Finding Freedom

Growing up in a culture where alcohol consumption is relatively “normal”, I was exposed to it early in my childhood. I saw almost all adults including parents, relatives, and family friends drink alcohol at gatherings and social events. Because I didn’t know any better and, as far as I recall, I wasn’t educated about the effects of alcohol on health, I never perceived it as harmful. Since drinking alcohol was such common practice in the environment I was brought up in, I thought when I became old enough, I would inherently adopt the same behavior.

Getting deeply involved in the soccer atmosphere as a teenager guided me to acquire more awareness about alcohol and begin to see it in a negative light. As a result of the values instilled in players at the soccer academy I played, I learned that if I wanted to pursue a career in the sport, I had to stay away from drugs and alcohol, and I was determined to do so. In effect, as I got older, around the time teenagers tended to start experimenting with alcohol, I used the fact I was a soccer player as my main reason to excuse myself from drinking it. In the long run, I got to a point where I saw virtually everyone in my circle of friends and peers having alcohol for fun, even overdoing it and getting sick from it sometimes. Although I repelled the smell, taste, and everything about any alcoholic beverage, I felt as if I was missing out and I was a misfit. Therefore, I eventually gave in to such overwhelming pressure one night, when a few high school friends came over to my house with a bottle of vodka and cranberry juice; I decided to try it, and two cups of mixed drinks later, I got a sensation unlike anything I had ever experienced before. This was essentially an inflection point that initiated a new chapter in my life; one that was highly influenced by alcohol, and I had great difficulty navigating.

The first time I had alcohol I realized it was a powerful substance I could use to reduce my inhibitions. I was amazed by the feeling I got from it, and since then, I slowly started developing a dependency on it. During my teenage years, while in high school, I was self-aware of my shyness and introverted personality and dealt with social anxiety. Discovering that drinking alcohol eliminated my insecurities, diminished my fears, and eased me to behave in ways I thought I wasn’t capable of, led me to believe I had found the antidote to all my inner conflicts. Next thing I knew, I was drinking alcohol more often and larger amounts of it. Nearly every time I got together with friends, or I was part of social events, it was an opportunity to have fun by getting intoxicated. Soon I began to have issues controlling my intake, which often resulted in blackouts and sickness. Unconscious of the damage I was causing myself, identifying that people in my social circles seemed to enjoy the drunk – more outgoing, funny, extroverted, and careless – version of me, only gave me a false sense of confidence and led me to increase my reliance on alcohol.

Going into early adulthood and throughout the years I spent in college, alcohol became such a major part of my life, especially in the social aspect. I got a lot of pleasure from it, I kept receiving positive feedback for the person I turned into under the influence of it, and I had built a high alcohol tolerance that I felt proud of. All the while my inability to behave responsibly with it led me to a trajectory where I made countless mistakes and I acted out of character, ultimately hitting rock bottom. I had a subconscious perception that drinking alcohol was a mechanism I resorted to as a way of numbing my internal pains and coping with low self-esteem. Experiencing an arrest for driving while intoxicated and facing severe consequences in the subsequent years, impacted me so profoundly and forced me to inevitably confront my reality. I had to decide to either ignore it and continue in the same path, or acknowledge it and make serious changes to heal, and turn my reality around aiming at a better future.

Ever since finding myself in such difficult circumstances because of my own foolish conduct, I was convinced I wanted to course-correct, and addressing my alcohol consumption was of the essence. But it wasn’t going to suddenly happen from one day to another. In fact, it was going to be a long process that required building courage, making sacrifices, being intentional, and developing perseverance. With lots of uncertainty about my immediate future, I decided to turn back to soccer; meaning, I got inspired to seek a professional career in the sport. As impossible as it may have seemed given my situation, I thought by trying I didn’t have anything to lose and a ton to gain. Choosing to fully dive into this endeavor was the beginning of an internal transformation that increasingly turned my life around in ways I couldn’t have imagined, and completely quitting alcohol was one of the major results of it.

Having set a clear goal of competing in soccer again – after already giving up on it at the end of my collegiate career a year prior – and committing to give my best attempt to reach the highest level I could, I went on a streak of about nine months without having any alcohol. The first couple of months I was driven and strictly focused on working and training, not leaving much space for social activities. Although I was persistently tempted to go out and meet with friends, I was able to avoid putting myself in unfavorable settings where I would be exposed to alcohol. Becoming isolated and being more conscious with the way I spent my time and energy was exceptionally challenging and a huge learning lesson. I started gaining slightly greater awareness of the environments and people I had been surrounded by, and I discovered the value of saying “NO”, as hard as it was for me since I was a people pleaser. In time, when I engaged in social gatherings with friends again, not drinking or even holding any alcohol in my hands felt quite odd. I faced tremendous peer pressure to drink even though I was open about the trouble I had gotten into and my efforts to stay sober. I was naively expecting everyone would sympathize with me, but the truth was that no one could relate to what I was going through or took it as seriously as I did. It stung me to realize those who I enjoyed going out and spending time with were more interested in the drunk version of me, but if I was truly devoted to changing my life, I had to muster the courage to let go of everyone and everything that didn’t support me or accept me for who I was.

In the following months and years, I decided to chase a series of audacious goals demanding discipline and persistence. This allowed me to look inward and work more on myself, part ways from relationships that didn’t serve me, and gradually become detached from alcohol. Spending a significant amount of time dedicated to what I wanted to accomplish, such as competing in professional soccer, obtaining a Certified Public Accountant license, paying off all my debt, running marathons and travelling, enabled me to adopt a radically different lifestyle where alcohol did not fit. Deciding to turn to my faith and center on spirituality from the onset, then embracing solitude and simplicity during my journey, were paramount to healing internally, cultivating better self-esteem and increasing my confidence. Furthermore, developing a deep interest in health and fitness, as well as leaning into self-development practices led me to steadily implement more nourishing habits.

In the span of about three years, I went on long stretches of sobriety, nonetheless I still used alcohol on certain occasions. Most times I went out and took part in social activities with friends and family I was comfortable with not drinking. The need I had developed for it to enjoy myself and have a more pleasurable experience kept subsiding. The instances I decided to drink, I was more mindful of the amount I consumed, but in a few cases I still struggled with moderation and wind up abusing it. Having alcohol less frequently was certainly a huge improvement and I began to see the rewards of it, since I was able to better concentrate on my pursuits and make progress toward them, as well as feel a whole lot healthier. At the same time, drinking alcohol was a stone I kept tripping over from time to time. My insecurity issues continued resurfacing; I was afraid of judgement and compromised my values to please others; I couldn’t fully accept my true self and didn’t feel I was enough; and the thought that I was boring made me quite uneasy in social settings. I doubted my ability to thrive in my relationships and bonds with others if I quit alcohol completely.

Finally, in the summer of 2019, I went on a trip to Las Vegas with two friends for the 4th of July (U.S. Independence Day) weekend. Approaching the trip, I had the intention of not having any alcohol, but this quickly went out the door upon arriving. Going to pool parties and clubs for four straight days I was totally helpless. On the day prior to flying back home, my friends and I went to a day-party at a popular resort, and toward the end of it I struck up a conversation with a girl. We spent a while talking, getting to know each other, and I bought us glasses of whiskey on the rocks. Unknowingly at that point, those were the last glasses of alcohol I had ever spent money on, and the final one I had ever drunk. Coming back from this trip, I was exhausted, and even though I felt I had an amazing time with my friends, I knew it wasn’t necessarily an enriching experience, as it mainly consisted of partying and drinking. Having acknowledged this, and coming back with a sense of rather emptiness, I knew deep down alcohol would no longer be a part of my life. The trip served me to at last open my eyes to the absurd amount of time, attention and resources I was wasting in relation to my alcohol consumption. Once and for all I clearly saw, and decided to accept, that alcohol did not (and never did) add any value to my life; consequently, I let go of it and never looked back since.

Heading into the fall of 2019, I willingly entered one of the toughest, yet most rewarding chapters I ever got to live. I was in a hole of over $60,000 worth of debt, consisting of university and auto loans, and I decided it was time to start getting out of it as soon as possible. When all was said and done, this process lasted close to two years, and it really placed things into perspective for me regarding my behavior with alcohol and its considerable bearing on my finances. Among the most impactful lessons I learned as a result was employing wiser, more responsible and deliberate habits when it comes to handling money. Working two jobs seven days a week, adhering to a tight budget and closely monitoring every dollar I spent, allowed me to vastly appreciate the amount of money I saved – and put towards my debt – by not drinking alcohol. In the middle of my debt pay-off journey, the Covid-19 pandemic stroke. Locked down at home and working remotely, I saw an opportunity to dedicate the extra free time I had to train hard and prepare to compete in soccer again. Going all-in and persisting on this endeavor led me to eventually join a soccer team in Chicago in the Spring of 2022. This only reinforced my conviction that alcohol was nothing but a harmful distraction and a disservice to my life. By entirely avoiding it I was not only able to accomplish my goals but also undergo an incredible transformation in the process. I was astonished to realize how much I could flourish without alcohol, and I was at peace with myself; thus, it was no longer a temptation and not drinking became second nature.

All in all, living a traumatic event, as getting arrested for drinking and driving was for me, became an awakening to the problem I had with alcohol. Initially I felt compelled to stop ignoring it and do something about it, but I didn’t think I would ever quit drinking alcohol altogether. Having the humility to admit I needed help, I couldn’t rely solely on my own strength and willpower to make any progress, and leaning wholly into my faith and spirituality was the foundation that empowered me to no longer succumb to the detrimental influence alcohol had over me. The decisions I made over time, given the opportunities that kept opening in my path, became more intentional, I began to heal from within and exercise greater self-control. I aimed to achieve ambitious goals, committed to the process they entailed, and by enduring them I continually evolved character traits that reflected the best version of the individual I aspired to become. This all led me to progressively lead a life driven by my values and the search for meaning and fulfillment rather than pleasure, in which alcohol does not serve a single purpose. At the end of the day, quitting alcohol not only allowed me to cure my inner suffering and enjoy improved physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health, but also enabled me to grow in gratitude, have internal peace, and find freedom in all the hardships and prosperity of life.